I am thankful and happy thinking about how we all connect with each other. This big world isn’t really all that big anymore with social networking sites and even (or especially) blogging. I had no idea where blogging would take me – I had a need to share my thoughts and ideas – but I didn’t realize the life-changing connections it could possibly make. I am so touched by many of my friends here in this small world. Thank you for supporting me, complimenting the things I make and do and for cheering me on in my journey through the good and bad.
One of you is a dear friend who I’ve only known for a few months but already had a way to get to know on many levels. She left a sweet comment on my apple picking post that she heard a song and thought of me…. Isn’t that sweet? She thought of me and my daughter when she heard this song called You Picked Me by A Fine Frenzy. Since then, this song has been playing in my house with no end in sight. And I do think of me and my daughter as I listen to these lovely words, but i also think of my friend who added so much happiness to my life in such a simple way.
Truthfully, there’s a lot of sadness and guilt I feel that I wasn’t there for my daughter. I could not take care of her or even me when an illness invaded my life. I thought I was done with blaming myself but there’s things/ thoughts that come up that remind me that I wasn’t there. There’s been times I could not smile and carry her in my arms. There’s been days I could not go for a walk or put her up in a swing. There’s been days I was in bed wrapped in sadness and depression far away from the responsibilities of a mother.
I am very thankful for this little angel in my life – for you I tried to get better. For you I acted normal and still read you stories although they were hardly audible. For you I sang even though I could hardly catch my breath…. I was a sad mess – not the mom I always imagined I’d be…. I was difficult to see but you picked me.
Today, I am thankful for friendship, hope, little angels that guide the way, and for believing in possibilities, and beautiful lyrics that bring tears to my eyes…..
Blogger, Recipe Developer, Photographer and Author. Loves healthy food, photography, sunshine and dancing in the kitchen with her two daughters. 
Wow. Tears in my eyes, wow. What a beautiful tribute to the “one who picked YOU.” Yes…YOU. And you know now that you can let go of the past because you are here, right HERE, right NOW, with heart and head and arms wide open. Peace and love to you, dear friend. Thank you for this lovely piece of writing.
Thank you Shannon ;)
I am already a different person – and this has been a big lesson in my life. I value my abilities now greatly – and you bed I don’t say NO to swing time at the playground ;) *big hugs*
wow… I have so been here Ella. There were years and years when depression crippled me and I wasn’t able to be there for my older daughter like I am for my Toddler. I know the guilt you talk about so well. But like Shannon said, now it’s up to us to do the very best we can with the days we have NOW.
Blessings, my friend. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here.
Thanks Erin and BIG hugs to you. Here’s to happier days! ;D
Wow… tears streaming over morning coffee over here. That was so beautiful and breaks my heart. I am so over-joyed those days are now behind us;)
Like my bday card to you (that you made fun of..) to watch you now lift Gabi and just to be able to smile beautifully again is the BIGGEST inspiration of my life to go chase dreams and live happily on my terms. I love you chick pea… know that you inspire me everyday and now with the blog thousands of others.
I love you my dear and miss you!
I cried a few times more after I wrote this ;)
and I even got teary at the playground when I picked up gabi onto the swing ;)
But it’s ok, I sort of said it was the wind in my eyes making them watery…..
ps. it’s you who inspires me ;)
xo
um, ok. Thanks for the cry-fest. I can say with complete confidence that you are making up for lost time with your girl these days. You are such a amazing mom. Take the lessons from the past and move forward.
hi ella. i actually read this before you shared it in the dive. so beautifully expressed and i think every mom can relate on some level. oh mommy guilt, what a powerful thing that is. over the years, i’ve realized i can’t do away with the guilt that comes up (because it just does! again and again!) and i try to turn it into positive action rather than let the blame pull me down…
thanks so much for sharing this.