Mom with an Illness – Part 1

Yes it’s been a while… and I don’t have any excuses but just life got in the way. Our business picked up in the last few weeks and I’ve been busy attending to meet deadlines and keeping our customers happy.

But I want to touch on a few things: 1. being a mom with an illness, 2. running a business with an illness, 3. staying married with an illness.  All three differ and have their ups and downs, let me explain.

1. Just a few years ago I thought that there’s noting better than being a mom. I was beaming with joy about family planning and waited anxiously for my life to complete it’s ‘perfect’ order of things. Sure enough, it was perfect but only for a short few months… As I mentioned earlier, I had an outburst of symptoms that were far from normal and my ‘perfect’ life was basically over. A few weeks ago we celebrated my daughter’s 2nd birthday. It was a fantastic Hello Kitty party (I hand made decorations and planned every detail – obviously not letting go of my perfectionistic style). I am so proud of this smart, beautiful, caring little person. There are moments she melts my heart but then there are moments that I actually want to melt and disappear into the cracks in the floor.  She makes me so tired and drenched with exhaustion just with little things. Is this what 2 year olds do or is it my illness making me feel this way? Probably both. I know when I can’t lift a spoon to her mouth it’s probably the illness… It’s a hard job as is, especially for parents going through an unhealthy phase in their life. It is a strong battle with mostly their hearts because sometimes their mind and body are in a battle of their own.

I feel stuck, imprisoned in my own house. Lately my symptoms include double vision which means I can’t drive. I feel anger and frustration entangled with confusion and bits of hopelessness. There have been times that I haven’t left the house for a number of days, most of them spent wearing my pj’s still. But then I had a better day, I got dressed right away, went outside for a bit, sat in the sun – my face felt warm and my heart carefree.  I noticed that this good feeling seemed a bit contagious – not only did I end up having a few better days in a row – others around me seemed happier too. But then a cloud came over, work got intense, the milk didn’t get put away… And so it went like a roller coaster making me sicker and sicker… Stop! No more.

I am under some happy clouds right now. I go for short walks, (I motivate myself saying this is the last of the nicer weather), I eat healthier foods, I try and keep the house clean, (I don’t obsess about it though – just pick up things as I go along), I play with my daughter. I really try to smile around her. She doesn’t know I am not well and she doesn’t need to. I think that’s contagious too. The smiles, the laughter – it is the best medicine after all.

To be continued with:
2. running a business with an illness,
3. staying married with an illness.