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The New Year has come, the Holidays have passed ~ boy am I glad I survived this crazy Season of Joy! *wink* *wink*

Some of you may already know this, but a few new folks that come to visit me lately, may not realize that I’m ‘healing’ from an illness. Perhaps it’s not written on my forehead or in my profile as my best feature, but I have an illness ~ an invisible illness. That ‘label’ does not necessarily make me special, nor do I want to be or feel special – all I really god-damn-want is to be normal. But normal comes at a price. And with recent events/ meltdowns, normal to me is eating soup.

To cut to the chase and spare you my 4 year history with this mysterious invader of my life, I have started to treat Myasthenia Gravis naturally by adjusting my diet, supplementing, and really focusing on a vegetable-rich, semi-vegan and semi-gluten-free diet. The key focus for me was to treat Candida and eliminate foods which I have a reaction to and caused me to feel sick by bringing on flare-ups with MG. Mainly I removed a lot of animal products from my diet; all dairy, meat and eggs had to go, but I still eat some smaller fish, wild salmon, and white fish, but no shellfish. For my grains, the biggest elimination was wheat! Followed by oats and barley. I eat all other grains unprocessed and still love them and have no reactions to such glutenous grains as kamut, spelt or rye. So, I suppose I’m estimating that this makes me about 90% vegan and about 80% gluten-free ;)

A diet change really works! I feel great, I occasionally have some symptoms (hence the % meter hasn’t gone up to the full 100%!) But for the most part, this has been a great year for me staying true to my rules and not cheating on my diet. This may sound great to sum up in one sentence.  But in real life it had it’s moments and struggles. I faced many ups and downs. Learned just how emotional food is. I dreaded eating out. Learned to love tofu. Learned to love my life for the way it was. I accepted the emotional waves that came with these obstacle I set myself – then, I had moments I doubted any of this.  ’What’s the point’ I would often say to myself….

But there is a point. This works. I do in fact get symptoms if I have any of the foods I mentioned above. I have to stick to the rules or I pay. And I really do enjoy walking, lifting my daughter, lifting a spoon to my mouth, chewing and swallowing food, seeing normally – not doubled, showering and picking myself off the toilet ~ so this is really not a fantasy I created for myself but a real survival system.

But my survival system has its weaknesses. It is not always an “I can do this!” attitude. I have my weak moments here and there, but my weak moments really added up much quicker over the Holidays. Hence, my breakdown!

{photo taken on dec. 28th. by my husband – this is not posed my friends. I wore leggings as pants – that was a sign I was going down, new cashmere socks (I’m realizing I have a sock fetish), striped shirt I’m very comfortable in and my husband’s hat was a matching accident that happened to be on the chair and I put it on because my eyes were sensitive to light.}
this was my pity party

Let’s go back to:

• December 15, 2011, I’m invited with my daughter to go to my sister’s for our annual cookie baking day – a supposed-to-be-lovely kind of a day, right? We come over, they serve soup. Everyone gets a bowl of chicken and vegetable soup with (wheat and egg) dumplings, but – - there’s no soup for me! And there’s no backup, she said she forgot I’m allergic to wheat and eggs. (I though my own sister who clearly knows of my illness and diet would understand). I tried to be cool about this. I tried. It got weird. I got very emotional. I did not handle this like an adult, I know. I packed up my things, dressed my daughter and we left. (I didn’t really storm out with much drama – I made it subtle enough that we wouldn’t fight over this before the Holidays). But still – I just had to leave. Suddenly, the mood to bake cookies with them just didn’t sound fun.

• December 24, 2011 – Christmas Eve. We have a big dinner at our house. Somehow I’m still not really present in the excitement of the Holidays. To make things worse, I almost punish myself and don’t make any of my favourite dishes. Literally on our table, I can eat about 5% of the food served. This anger and sadness drama I’m in backfires. I have nothing to eat and I just watch and pretend I’m great. I was not great. Listening to people devour into foods I can’t eat is very painful.

• December 25, 2011 – Christmas Day. We have another dinner at my sister’s. There I feel a little better, there’s a few dishes I can eat, and I did bring a vegan and gluten-free dessert that I used as a reward system for making it this far. Rewards are lovely especially when served as chocolate fudge cake.

• December 27, 2011 we have a Christmas Party at our house. It was lovely to have our friends over but I felt there was a lot of pressure on me. My symptoms flared up. I could feel my face paralized. I also punish myself with the ‘what’s the point’ attitude and don’t serve much that I can eat.  And I can’t just let loose and join the crowd and have a few drinks, because alcohol makes my symptoms even worse. But people are having fun, so things are good. I survive and I tried to have fun.

• January 2, 2012 – we have a New Year’s dinner at my mom’s. She serves the first meal – it’s soup! A soup I can’t eat again! I get all emotional again, grab a yoga mat and hang out in the laundry room for about 1/2 hour. Eventually my mom and sister find me and we have a talk…. she misunderstood that when I said ‘it’s ok, don’t make the soup’ (to lessen her cooking load), she though I meant that I don’t want soup.

Here’s the thing. I like soup! On a wintery day, when you want to warm up, relax and have a comforting meal, what do you want? A soup. Soup is comfort food to me. And when that piece of comfort is served to everyone but you, and you can’t savour that steamy vegetable and herb fragrant comfort, and watch everyone else enjoy that piece of love in the bowl – it hurts.

Food is so emotional, and it should be. It should make you feel good and wrap you in comfort and enjoyment. But for some, for those that do have boundaries, rules, diets, allergies, it is really hard to control those emotions that arise when cravings (with bits of jealousy) step in. I find that I have this comfort and a good relationship with food in my own home. I stock up on a bounty of good-for-me (and you) whole foods, beans, lentils, rice pastas, loads of vegetables either fresh or frozen ready to create a feast for my eyes and tastebuds. But as soon as I step outside of my own comfort zone ~ and go to a friend’s house, my sister’s or my mom’s home, or a restaurant – I wonder if I will be able to eat and if another drama-filled day will be brought on. And I would think that people would be kind and show understanding – they don’t. They usually don’t get it. I’ve also learned that unless you are faced with the same challenges, you don’t get the sympathy and understanding. And even though going against the grain can bring hardship and sorrow to you – no one sees it. So the only way to survive is to: Keep Calm and Carry On!

The bottom line is that I have survived the Holidays. I have learned some lessons. There will be days I will crave something, like the Haagen-Dazs ice cream, all 6 different flavours of them, in our freezer at the moment (yes, they were on sale ;), or the brie cheese that my husband sliced over the ever soft slice of wheat bread this morning. Ahem. The bottom line is, I need to control myself. Focus. And start each day as though it’s a new beginning. I can’t be a cry baby every time there’s no soup for me. This year, I will grow up! I will control myself better. I will plan ahead, ask if there’s ‘something I could bring?’, plan ahead some more and enjoy food, my family, my friends and my life.

Keep Calm and Carry On! Keep calm and carry on my friends with whatever you’re soup’ed up about ;)

edited : I just wanted to come back and tell you all that the next day, my dear husband came to me, hugged me and told me he was touched by this post and that now he knows what he needs to do to make me feel better - finish the ice cream! lol